Sunday, September 2, 2012

Dropout

I am officially a college dropout! I am actually really okay with my decision. Some background on my college experience; I was an English major with three semesters left. I started college in 2006 after I had Kaya then took a break when I had Malik and then went back last year, finished two semesters and was all signed up and ready to go this semester. I actually went to the first day on Tuesday, books and all. But without a doubt, it felt wrong. Like I had been dropped in the middle of nowhere without warning. I was reflecting, all day Tuesday while I was at school, about the weeks leading up to my first day of this recent semester. I had completely geared myself up to deal with the stress of going to school and being a mom. I was racing around all that morning, yelling at the kids to hurry because I needed to get to class, and I lost sight, for a moment, of what is really important.

I came off of a really good summer where I feel like I've found my place in the world and I know myself better than I ever have. I found a space that I really like being in as a person, women and mother. Getting ready to tackle this semester completely threw me into a weird, uptight place. I kept getting this overwhelming feeling that I need to focus on my kids but I disregarded it and kept racing towards the start of school, thinking that I needed to keep going to school. That I needed to get a job once Malik starts kindergarten. That I needed school to make me a legitimate person in the world. These were all of the things that I was thinking but it's not how I was feeling.

I found great joy this summer in being with my kids, taking care of my house and being really present in my relationship with my husband. But for whatever reason as women we are told that we have to do it all. We have to be mothers, wives, caretakers, housekeepers, chefs, and career women. But how can that all realistically happen at once? Something will always be lacking, because although we are pretty amazing, there are only 24 hours in a day.

So I made a choice to be a mom. Which sounds so simple right? But it's really not. Motherhood is the most important job that a women is called for and I take my job seriously. I will never regret spending too much time with my kids but I will regret not spending enough time, and that is a regret that I am not willing to live with. School will always be there but my kids will not be little forever.


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