So when my husband started laying out when we should leave by and what time we should get there, I started getting grouchy because I really didn't want to go. I was forcing myself through the process of getting ready enough to see reptiles, when he said, "If you aren't feelin' this babe then I'll just take the kids. It's no big deal." Now my husband isn't the type to say one thing and mean another, so when he says "he doesn't mind taking them and it's not a big deal" to him, it really isn't. I wasn't having a hard time with wondering if he would be upset or not, I was having a hard time just letting him do something with the kids, without me there. I feel guilty even though my kids could really care less. They love spending time with their Dad and I should be happy that they get to make memories with just him. They are with me all of the time and have had plenty of opportunities to make memories with just me, so why shouldn't it be the same for my husband? Why am I fretting over being away from them for the next couple of hours? Why do I miss them every time they aren't with me? Why do I feel that something will happen to them if I'm not right by their sides? Why am I not happy that I get the next two hours to do whatever I want? Why do I worry if they will be okay without me, when my husband is just as competent as I am with them?
For me, I realize that all of this most likely is an issue of control and also the fear of my kids getting hurt. Somewhere in my mind I've rationalized that if I'm with them and in their business every second of every day, then no person will have the chance to mess with them and they won't have the opportunity to get hurt. I realized that this is an issue that stems way back into my early years but it's always interesting to me when old issues decide to come back into my current life to be re dealt with. It's always amazing to me how much we live our current lives based on past hurts, no matter how much healing we think we’ve done. I need to remember that I am not the master of the Universe, although I’d like to be, and it is truly impossible to control every single thing. My kids are safe with me, yes, but not immune to hurt just because I am physically with them. I cannot protect them from everything in the World, I just can’t. I need to remind myself that I chose a very caring and able husband and he deserves to be with them, alone making memories, just as much as I do. I need to remind myself, above all, that the worry I carry over their well being is misplaced worry from old occurrences that I had as a kid. It is not fair to me, my husband or my kids to continue living in a way that isn’t relevant to my current situation.
I do have to say that I am proud of myself for realizing that this anxiety I had today was from a past situation and that it just decided to rear its ugly head on this Sunday in September. It wasn’t because my kids were in danger or because I shouldn’t let them be alone with my husband, it was simply me. This one had nothing to do with them. I guess this is all part of getting to know myself better. Getting to a place where I really know why I feel and behave the way that I do and not letting my past emotions and habits get the best of me. Learning to let go of control sometimes and trusting myself enough to know that I am making good choices as a woman and a mother and a wife.
So, instead of cleaning, or working out, or reading or taking the dog to the park, or getting caught up on laundry, like I had originally thought. I'm going to go take a bath. In the middle of the day on a Sunday because I deserve it. And because sometimes it’s okay to let your husband take the kids to Repticon and not feel one ounce of guilt that you are spending the next two hours doing whatever it is that you want.
It was marvelous, by the way.