Friday, January 30, 2015

Authentically Angry

For the next three or so months I was just angry. Angry at everything and everyone. I decided that I would just let myself be angry and that I wasn’t going to pretend that I was happy about an unexpected third child. I buried myself in other ventures. I pretended like I wasn’t pregnant. I avoided talking about being pregnant and I told my mother at one point that if she told me one more time that it “was going to be okay” that I would hang up the phone and never answer it again. I had multiple conversations in my head with God, Buddha, Jesus, Joseph, Mary, ancestors, spirit guides, Mother Teresa or anyone else that I thought might have sway over my situation. I pleaded with them to understand that I was not the kind of women who could manage another pregnancy or three kids. I spent many nights begging to please let this all just be a sham somehow.

I became a mother at the ripe age of 19, right before my 20th birthday, with my daughter. I knew the moment I was pregnant with her. I knew she was a girl and I knew what I would name her. I knew why she came into my life and I knew the changes I needed to make in order to accommodate her life. She made me grow up and made me a better person. She held me accountable for someone other than myself. I felt the same way when I got pregnant the second time with my son. I could feel his spirit and knew exactly why he had come into my life. With this one I didn't feel any of that. In my mind I had spent the last decade mothering small children and I was really over it.

Over the last couple of years my kids have come out of the “small” child phase. They are brilliantly self-sufficient and capable and my life had room for me to start figuring out what it was that I wanted to do with myself. I had previously never had this option, I had always been a stay at home mom – with short exception of college in my early 20’s. Being a mother will always continue to be one of the foundations of who I am but the last couple of years something inside begged to learn more about who I was besides being a mother. I wanted to know and cultivate other parts of myself. My identity for so long was mother – I had been “just” a mom but I was ready for more.
So I did just that. I started on a path of figuring myself out. Really looking inside to see why I do the things I do. This catapulted me on a journey of healing myself emotionally and physically. I’ve posted and will continue to post about that here. My journey really came full circle for me when I started doing yoga and was able to complete a 200 hour certification as a teacher last April. I learned so much about myself and yoga yet not enough at the same time. This summer I opened my own business and started working and making my own money. I began to become a person outside of being a mom. I had my own thing going and it felt really good. I was on a path, a definite clear path and I really liked where it was going.

I think this is why the news of be being pregnant for the third time really came crashing down on me. I am a head strong and passionate person and I was running in a clear concise direction. The news of this pregnancy felt as though I had run into a brick wall at full force - forcing me to change directions and I didn’t want to change directions. So I just decided to be angry - authentically, unapologetically angry about it. I grappled with the “what the hell did I do to deserve this” and “why WHY me”. I was unregretful about my distain for my current situation. It took others around me aback at times because society tells you that being pregnant is a good thing and that babies are a blessing and that it all had a reason I just couldn’t see it yet. But I didn’t feel any of those things and I was okay with that. Because to be honest with you this was the second time that I had gotten pregnant on birth control so I didn’t find it as cute or funny or ironic this time around. I found it cruel and unfair. I embraced a full blown three month temper tantrum as if I was a two year old - terrible.

In a way embracing my feelings was completely freeing and I do recommend at some time in your life – if you don’t all the time in your life – to just feel the way you want to feel. To let go of how you’re supposed to act in a situation and act the way that feels the most authentic to you. Drop all of society’s ideas of how you’re supposed to feel about your condition and get in touch with and really sit with your own authentic response to your life. Although it won’t make you any friends, it will allow you the opportunity to engage in your own authentic reality. A place where you are the only one who is permitted to decide the right emotion or response for yourself without caring about the judgments of others.

1 comment:

  1. I needed to read this today. I am dealing with a similar situation. I so appreciate your honesty and openness!!